3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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