One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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