I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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