When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
