there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
