4 words: hood of his car
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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