I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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