Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
