YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
