don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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