I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
