I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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