i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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