just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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