my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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