I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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