Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
