There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
