I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
