Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
