I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
