Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
