He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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