Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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