Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
