She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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