toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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