I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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