He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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