The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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