But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
