I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Pants are for mortals
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
