morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.