I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
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if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.