I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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