Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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