I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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