I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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