Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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