there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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