You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
