so explain again why im purple
no
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
