the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize