the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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