I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
