saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
