On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
