youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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