Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He felt like a one man threesome
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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