Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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