someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
