Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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