Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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