Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
