I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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