nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
