I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
