At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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