So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
