I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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